Watch Ashley Kirsner on SideHustle Live!

It’s hard for anyone to be vulnerable, but since I’m someone with a relatively large amount of privilege (for example, if I’m vulnerable and everybody ends up hating me for it, I’ll still be able to pay rent), I find it meaningful to normalize doing things imperfectly, and doing those things publicly and proudly.

So, here I am being totally silly and having the time of my life playing this ridiculous game called SideHustle with its creators. It was silly, it was “messy,” and it was absolutely hilarious.

12 Nayyirah Waheed poems that Skip the Small Talk

We're excited to either introduce you to or remind you about made-famous-by-Instagram-but-actually-because-of-talent-not-just-because-her-stuff-is-on-Instagram poet Nayyirah Waheed. Her books salt. and Nejma are brimming with unpretentious poems that capture human experiences we don't usually talk about in everyday life. So, obviously, she's very much our jam. Here are some of our favorite poems of hers that capture some of the ideas we've discussed in other blogposts or at our events.

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The normal you wish you were

“It’s hard spending time with people who are the normal you wish you were,” said one of my closest friends. Her husband was struggling with a dependency on alcohol, and he found it painful to hang out with friends who could have a few drinks and call it a night. He would regularly talk himself into thinking he could be “normal” like them and just have a few drinks, but “a few” invariably turned into “too many” for him, and he would end up feeling shame about not being able to control his relationship with alcohol.

How to ask for help

Asking for help is vulnerable; when we solicit support of any kind, we open ourselves up to the possibility of rejection and all the accompanying feelings and self-judgments. So, it’s understandable that many of us feel anxious about it or have a hard time asking others for much beyond passing the mashed potatoes at dinner-- and even that can raise anxiety.

Potato chip connections

Chances are, you’ve had the experience of binging on potato chips or other junk food when what you really wanted was a meal. You’re famished, so instead of taking the time to cook something, you reach for whatever’s quickest, easiest, or most tempting, but you end up feeling like garbage. Connection can work similarly.

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When vulnerability backfires

Hey,

So you tried to be vulnerable in some way, whether it was telling someone how you felt, or asking for what you wanted or needed, or sharing about yourself in a way that felt like “too much,” or otherwise extending an invitation to someone to join you in being a little more human together. And for whatever reason, in some way, it didn’t go as well as you’d hoped. And maybe right now, you feel some combination of disappointed, sad, hurt, invalidated, anxious, hopeless, worthless, angry, frustrated, and/or other feelings you didn't sign up for.

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The Vulnerability Paradox

Have you ever felt comfortable telling something intimate to your hair stylist or bartender or ride-share driver, and then finding yourself feeling warm toward them, and perhaps inclined to tip more? Have you ever developed strong feelings for someone you were dating in a low-stakes context, like someone you knew you didn’t want to be with long-term? Then you are likely familiar with what I’ve deemed “the vulnerability paradox.” According to the vulnerability paradox, a pattern I’ve noticed in myself and others, it’s often easier to open up to those we are not relatively close to, yet, the very act of opening up brings us closer.

Ashley KirsnerApril 26, 2017vulnerability, paradox, vulnerability paradox, how to skip the small talk, skip the small talk, strangers on a train, strangers on a plane, strangers on a train effect, strangers on a plane effect, vulnerable, relationships, relationship advice, casual relationships, romantic relationships, romance, how to get close, how to get close to someone, how to get closer, how to get closer to someone, how to get closer to people, how to get close to people, how to get to know people, how to get to know someone, fear, how to keep your relationship, how to keep your relationships, how to maintain your relationship, how to maintain your relationships, relationship health, healthy relationships, communication, risk, risky, riskiness, relationship risks, healthy relationship, how to have a healthy relationship, how to get people to open up, skipping the small talk, STST, relationship, managing relationships, how to have a happy relationship, how to make friend, how to make friends, how do I meet people, talk big, talk big not small Comment

A Better "How are you?"

Cultural niceties can make it challenging to answer “How are you?” honestly if you are feeling much more than, “Fine, thanks. How about you?” If you change up the phrasing of your question even slightly, though, it can often be enough to disrupt the automatic process that leads to uninformative and uninteresting answers. Here are some options for making it easier on others to answer you honestly, even if they’re not feeling “fine.”

Ashley KirsnerApril 17, 2017how are you, connection, connecting, getting to know people, getting to know you, habit, habits, what's new, what's new?, how are you?, what's been on your mind, what's been on your mind?, how have you been feeling, feeling, how's life, how's your life, how is your life, what's exciting in your life?, what's exciting in your life, real answer, real answer to "how are you", negative emotions, modeling, model, authentic, authenticity, genuine, genuineness, open, openness, getting people to open up, vulnerable, vulnerability, frustration, emotion, emotions, what's up, sup, fine, fine thanks, lately, these days, not much, connect, STST, how to skip the small talk, skip the small talk, healthy relationship, how to have a healthy relationship, healthy relationships, relationship, relationships, managing relationships, talk big, talk big not small Comment

The four words that change the way people talk to you

Imagine you’re hanging out with a friend.

You’ve been chatting for a bit, and they reveal something more vulnerable about themselves than they usually discuss with you. Maybe it’s admitting that they feel lonely at work, or maybe it’s talking about their history with depression. Whatever it is, it’s a level or two deeper than your usual conversations.

How do you respond?

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