In conflict, it’s way too easy to inadvertently ratchet up each other’s anger levels. All it takes is a little bit of negativity, and if you’re not careful, you’ll both be sucked down a rabbit hole of anger and finger-pointing.

Since things can devolve so quickly once a conversation gets heated, it’s helpful to take steps to start off with as big of a positive, warm, and kind buffer as possible.

In order to do that, take some time to de-escalate your own feelings first. Because even if you check off all the right boxes and say wonderful, insightful things during your conflict, as long as you’re still feeling acutely angry, you may end up expressing that anger in forms you may not intend, like through passive aggression, saying things to intentionally harm the other person, and stonewalling. And while anger is healthy, those expressions of anger can often be counterproductive and can even heighten feelings of anger. It’s often better to diffuse anger than to let it explode.

So here and here are some foolproof ways to do bring yourself back to baseline before (or even during) a conflict.

After you’re feeling a bit calmer, you can start planning for what you’d like to say. And here’s where the magic happens.

When you’re deciding what to say, give the other person the benefit of the doubt.

Since that’s often easier said than done, you can do that through this exercise:

Imagine the most generous possible interpretation of the other person’s actions (as long as it’s still realistic), even if you don’t believe it.

For example, let’s say that your neighbor won’t stop playing loud music at night and it’s making it hard for you to sleep. If you’re giving them the most generous interpretation of their behavior, you might think something like, “Maybe they don’t know how much their music is traveling through these walls,” (again, this works even if you actually think that no human alive could play music that loud without realizing how loud they’re being).

When you actually confront them, share this as-generous-as-possible interpretation of their behavior. For example, you can say, “Hey, I bet you don’t realize how thin these walls are, so I just wanted to let you know that I can actually hear your music at night. Would you mind turning the volume lower after 10 pm?”

There is no one “correct” interpretation of their behavior— you could also have generously interpreted your neighbor playing loud music as them not realizing that you go to bed at 10 pm (as opposed to them not realizing how well sound travels). The goal is not necessarily to guess correctly; it’s to demonstrate that you trust the other person.

People often live up to our expectations of them, so if you can start off by clearly demonstrating that you assume the other person is a generally well-meaning, kind, and reasonable person, it’s likely it’ll become a self-fulfilling prophecy. And offering someone the benefit of the doubt, whether accurate or not, is a great, simple way to do show your trust in them.

If you end up trying it, let us know how it goes in the comments!

Calmer conflicts in 2 minutes