In light of my last blog post about how to support others, I wanted to also share the most common pitfall I notice when people try to offer support to others. It’s a mistake that’s usually well-meaning, but its impact can add to the burden of the people you’re trying to support: taking the side of someone who’s not there.

Sometimes, it’s easier to empathize with the person in your friend’s story than your friend. That’s okay and it’s just going to happen sometimes! But when that happens, it can make a world of difference if you do what you can to refocus your attention on supporting your friend instead of giving support to the person in your friend’s story.

For example, let’s pretend that your friend tells you, “I’m so annoyed! I can’t believe my girlfriend didn’t text me for a few hours-- like, you can’t take five minutes away from your EMT job to get back to me?” Here’s a case where it might be easier to empathize with your friend’s girlfriend than with the person you’re trying to support-- you might be tempted to say something like, “Well, your girlfriend was probably busy saving people’s lives! It doesn’t mean that she doesn’t care about you!” But unless that sort of “reality check” is something that your friend has reacted positively to in the past or has explicitly asked you to do, I’d instead recommend empathizing with whatever feelings your friend is experiencing.

So, you might instead try a validation, reflection, and/or open-ended question here. For example, you might say something like: “It makes sense that you’re feeling annoyed-- texting can feel vulnerable and it sucks that you don’t know what the other person is thinking until you hear back from them.”

This may sound counterintuitive when you might feel it’s really important to bring your friend back to reality and help them realize that what they’re worried about probably isn’t even real. But more often than not, if you directly confront a friend, as in the first example, they can feel defensive and they may double-down on their original statement.

Paradoxically, taking your friend’s side, at least when it comes to how they’re feeling, can give them the space they need to come around to a different way of thinking. Chances are, your friend is pretty smart. With some emotional support and maybe some open-ended questions to better understand where they’re coming from, you can give them the space they need to find their way to the truth.

How NOT to support a friend