How to live with uncertainty

Life can feel so much safer and more comfortable when we’re living in black and white, so our brains tend to cope with uncertain situations by thinking in more black and white terms.

But unfortunately, living in black and white often robs us of the ability to see our reality accurately. And seeing our reality as we wish it were as opposed to how it actually is often leads us to behave in ways that aren’t likely to get us the things we really want, like safety, security, and connection.

So how can we shift our thinking to become more comfortable living in the gray space? I’ve come up with some specific tips:

Ask yourself: What’s the worst that can happen? This is a technique from cognitive behavioral therapy to help reduce anxiety. Basically, the idea is that if you spend some time engaging with the worst thing that can happen, it will become less emotionally potent, and research backs that up. So, really take a moment to think about it: What is the absolute worst that can happen here? How do you feel as you think about it? You might not feel better immediately, especially if the worst thing involves death or something extremely distressing, but if you let yourself actually feel your feelings as you think about the worst thing that can happen and try to think about it somewhat regularly, your anxiety is likely to reduce over time.
Ask yourself: What’s the likeliest thing to happen? This is also a strategy from cognitive behavioral therapy. Often, the likeliest thing to happen is not the worst thing to happen-- sometimes it is, but even then, it’s helpful to get a grasp on the reality of your situation.

Fear often has a tendency to make scary things feel a lot more likely than they actually are. So asking yourself how likely your fears are to actually happen can give you a more realistic sense of what the risks are.

If possible, it’s also helpful to seek information about how likely various outcomes are.
Take especially good care of yourself right now. Things like being hungry, not getting enough sleep, and lack of social connection can amplify feelings of fear or instability to a surprising degree. If you’re living with some uncertainty, that’s a great cue to step up your self-care game. Make sure you’re eating enough even if you’ve lost your appetite. Make sure you’re seeing people even if you’re feeling distrustful or annoyed at people. Make sure you’re seeing some sunlight and moving your body in ways that feel good to you whenever possible.

In a truly unfortunate irony, experiencing distressful uncertainty makes self-care absolutely crucial, but experiencing that uncertainty can also make self-care incredibly difficult. So do what you can to prioritize taking care of yourself, and have self-compassion whenever you’re not able to take the best care of yourself. Feel free to also check out our list of science-backed stress-reduction techniques, which can be an important part of self-care when you’re experiencing uncertainty.
Offer yourself some perspective. After adverse events, people often report being much, much happier than they’d have guessed. For instance, in one of my favorite studies ever conducted (full disclosure, I used to do research for Dan Gilbert, but I really do think his research is fascinating!), researchers asked folks to predict how happy they would be if they became paraplegic. Most people said they would be pretty unhappy.

The researchers then looked at happiness levels in folks who actually were paraplegic, and their happiness levels were *indistinguishable* from the average person.

Researchers have found similar results with breakups, failure to get tenure, electoral defeats, negative personality feedback, job rejection, and more-- it turns out that people consistently overestimate how long it will take them to move back to their “happiness baseline” after difficult experiences.

So, humans are surprisingly bad at predicting how happy they’ll be in the future. If you’re afraid that a medical diagnosis, a loss, or something else will influence your happiness, it likely will in the short term. But research suggests that in the long term, people are much more resilient — and happier — than you might guess.

If you try out these tips and they don’t work immediately, trying them on a regular basis can be helpful. It can also be useful to get some external support, like a therapist if you do not already have one and have access to therapy. If you already have a therapist, scheduling more frequent sessions can be useful if you have the privilege to do so.

While your awareness of uncertainty in your life is likely to wax and wane over time, it can be difficult and draining for the duration that you’re in limbo. So here’s wishing you as much peace, self-care, and self-compassion as possible in the meantime.

Ashley KirsnerMay 18, 2021uncertainty, limbo, how to live with uncertainty, how to sit with uncertainty, how to be with uncertainty, waiting for diagnosis, waiting for a diagnosis, waiting on a diagnosis, waiting in limbo, how to deal with uncertainty, deal with uncertainty, black and white thinking, cognitive behavioral therapy, cognitive behavior therapy, CBT, cbt, self-care, cost exposure, probability exposure, cbt exposure, CBT exposure, CBT exposures, happiness, resilience, people are happier than you expect, people are happier than expected, people are surprisingly happy, how to be chill, be chill, self care, self-compassion, how to reduce anxiety, how to deal with anxiety, how to anxiety, anxiety, anxious, i'm anxious, I'm anxious, feeling anxious, feel anxious, I feel anxious, feel less anxious, how do I feel less anxious, how can I feel less anxious, cope with uncertainty, how to cope with uncertainty, uncertain, uncertain times, affective forecasting, immune neglect, Dan Gilbert, Daniel Gilbert, Stumbling on Happiness, stumbling on happiness5 Comments