Posts tagged STST
It’s not just you: Why you feel weird lately
It’s not just you: Why you feel weird lately

If you’ve started feeling odd as we come up upon the one-year-anniversary since a lot of us started quarantining, it’s not just you. You might just be experiencing just one or a few of these things, but some things you may notice are:

  • Sleep problems

  • Strange or unpleasant dreams

  • Irritability

  • A feeling of restlessness

  • Feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, and/or anxiety without a clear cause

  • Flare ups of chronic health issues


Does any of that sound like what your last few days or weeks have been like? If so, then you might be having a trauma anniversary.


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Ashley KirsnerSkip the Small Talk, Skip the Small Talk blog, STST, STST blog, why you feel weird lately, why you feel weird, why do I feel weird, why I feel weird, pandemic, covid, covid-19, covid-19 feels, i feel bad, why do i feel bad, why do I feel bad, trauma, trauma response, trauma responses, trigger, triggers, triggering, trauma anniversary, trauma anniversary reacton, trauma anniversary reaction, anniversary reaction, anniversary reactions, anniversary, covid anniversary, covid-19 anniversary, pandemic anniversary, sleep problems, trouble sleeping, sleeping problems, insomnia, strange dreams, bad dreams, nightmares, irritable, irritability, i'm irritable, why am I irritable, why do i have bad dreams, why do I have nightmares, why am I having nightmares, why am I restless, restless, restlessness, sadness, sad, anger, angry, guilt, guilty, anxiety, anxious, why am I anxious, why am I so anxious, why am I sad, why am I so sad, why am I angry, why am I so angry, why do I feel guilty, why do I feel sad, why do I feel angry, why do I feel anxious, why do I feel nervous, nervous, nervousness, chronic health flare up, flare up, chronic health, chronic health problems, quarantine, quarantine anniversary, quarantining, why do I feel bad all the time, why do I feel angry all the time, why do I feel sad all the time, why do I feel mad all the time, why do I hate everyone, I hate everyone, I hate everything, why do I hate everything Comment
The Vulnerability Paradox
The Vulnerability Paradox

Have you ever felt comfortable telling something intimate to your hair stylist or bartender or ride-share driver, and then finding yourself feeling warm toward them, and perhaps inclined to tip more? Have you ever developed strong feelings for someone you were dating in a low-stakes context, like someone you knew you didn’t want to be with long-term?  Then you are likely familiar with what I’ve deemed “the vulnerability paradox.” According to the vulnerability paradox, a pattern I’ve noticed in myself and others, it’s often easier to open up to those we are not relatively close to, yet, the very act of opening up brings us closer.

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Ashley Kirsnervulnerability, paradox, vulnerability paradox, how to skip the small talk, skip the small talk, strangers on a train, strangers on a plane, strangers on a train effect, strangers on a plane effect, vulnerable, relationships, relationship advice, casual relationships, romantic relationships, romance, how to get close, how to get close to someone, how to get closer, how to get closer to someone, how to get closer to people, how to get close to people, how to get to know people, how to get to know someone, fear, how to keep your relationship, how to keep your relationships, how to maintain your relationship, how to maintain your relationships, relationship health, healthy relationships, communication, risk, risky, riskiness, relationship risks, healthy relationship, how to have a healthy relationship, how to get people to open up, skipping the small talk, STST, relationship, managing relationships, how to have a happy relationship, how to make friend, how to make friends, how do I meet people, talk big, talk big not small Comment
A Better "How are you?"
A Better "How are you?"

Cultural niceties can make it challenging to answer “How are you?” honestly if you are feeling much more than, “Fine, thanks. How about you?” If you change up the phrasing of your question even slightly, though, it can often be enough to disrupt the automatic process that leads to uninformative and uninteresting answers. Here are some options for making it easier on others to answer you honestly, even if they’re not feeling “fine.”

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Ashley Kirsnerhow are you, connection, connecting, getting to know people, getting to know you, habit, habits, what's new, what's new?, how are you?, what's been on your mind, what's been on your mind?, how have you been feeling, feeling, how's life, how's your life, how is your life, what's exciting in your life?, what's exciting in your life, real answer, real answer to "how are you", negative emotions, modeling, model, authentic, authenticity, genuine, genuineness, open, openness, getting people to open up, vulnerable, vulnerability, frustration, emotion, emotions, what's up, sup, fine, fine thanks, lately, these days, not much, connect, STST, how to skip the small talk, skip the small talk, healthy relationship, how to have a healthy relationship, healthy relationships, relationship, relationships, managing relationships, talk big, talk big not small Comment
The single most surprising way to get close to people
The single most surprising way to get close to people

We'll cut to the chase. It’s boundaries, or more specifically, setting boundaries liberally and respecting them consistently.


Surprised? Think about it this way. Boundaries come on a spectrum, which looks different for each person-- there are smaller boundaries, which might look like, “Please lower your voice; my roommates are sleeping” and bigger boundaries, which might be more like, “Please don’t come to my house again.”


What a lot of folks don’t realize is that setting and respecting smaller boundaries are the single best way to avoid the big boundaries.

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Ashley Kirsnerboundaries, consent, thanks for telling me, thank you for telling me, thanks for sharing, mermaids, merpeople, setting boundaries, respecting boundaries, set boundaries, respect boundaries, Anastasia, The Little Mermaid, Disney, closer, bringing people closer, comfort, discomfort, CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, small boundaries, big boundaries, boundary, mermaid, how to skip the small talk, how to get close to people, how to meet people, learn how to skip the small talk, relationship, relationships, healthy relationship, healthy relationships, how to have healthy relationships, how to make your relationships healthy, how to make your relationship healthy, how to have a healthy relationship, how to have a happy relationship, how to make friend, how to make friends, how to keep your friends, Skip the Small Talk, big talk, talk big not small, Josh Fialkoff, music video, music, consent song, Disney references, Shawn Hershey, get closer to people, managing relationships, talk big, STSTComment
Three steps to make yourself bulletproof to criticism
Three steps to make yourself bulletproof to criticism

I used to be awful at receiving critical feedback or anything I perceived as rejection. I was so bad at it that it led me to quit things I otherwise enjoyed. I went to musical theater camp as a middle schooler and got turned down for big parts for two summers, so I quit. As a dance team member in high school, I had to hear about how I could improve on a regular basis, so I quit. The pattern pervaded pretty much all aspects of my life for years.
 

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Ashley Kirsnerbulletproof, criticism, feedback, boundaries, mistake, mistakes, imperfection, making mistakes, thanks for telling me, resilience, grit, positive reinforcement, reward, self-care, suicide hotline, how to deal with criticism, how to cope with criticism, how to criticism, how to take criticism, how to respond to criticism, what to say to criticism, what do you say to criticism, how to make yourself bulletproof to criticism, communication, how to communicate, how to improve communication, how to take feedback, how to take harsh feedback, how to take hard feedback, how to respond to feedback, skip the small talk, Skip the Small Talk, thanks for sharing, harsh criticism, harsh feedback, communicate better at work, how to communicate at work, office, STST, talk big, talk big not small, get to the point, how to get to the point, managing relationships, relationships Comments
How to be lonely
How to be lonely

America is incredibly lonely, but social norms and the nature of loneliness, itself, can make it difficult for people to take the actions that make them feel more connected to others; loneliness can lead to a feedback loop in which feelings of isolation make you perceive the world in ways that lead you to feel even lonelier.


Since this leaves a lot of folks feeling trapped in their loneliness and unable to see a way out, we decided to develop some activities to help break the cycle.

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Ashley Kirsnerlonely, loneliness, isolation, psychology, research, how to, suicide hotline, self-care, support, cognitive behavioral therapy, CBT, dialectical behavior therapy, DBT, psychology research, social isolation, feelings, how to be lonely, how to improve communication, skip the small talk, Skip the Small Talk, STST, stst, social cognitions, social cognitions about loneliness, connectedness, connection, what to do when you feel lonely, what to do when lonely, what to do when you're lonely, how can I feel less lonely, what can I do to feel less alone, alone, how to ask for help, talk big, talk big not small, relationship, relationships, managing relationshipsComment
The four words that change the way people talk to you
The four words that change the way people talk to you

Imagine you’re hanging out with a friend.

 

You’ve been chatting for a bit, and they reveal something more vulnerable about themselves than they usually discuss with you. Maybe it’s admitting that they feel lonely at work, or maybe it’s talking about their history with depression. Whatever it is, it’s a level or two deeper than your usual conversations.

 

How do you respond?

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Ashley Kirsnercommunication, feedback, honesty, honest, get people to be more honest, get people to tell the truth, get people to open up, getting people to open up, vulnerable, vulnerability, gratitude, open, openness, active listening, thanks for telling me, thanks for sharing, thank you for sharing, s, skip the small talk, skipping the small talk, psychology, Skip the Small Talk, STST, how to skip the small talk, how to get people to open up, how to get people to open up to you, how to make friends, how to meet new people, healthy relationships, healthy relationship, how to make my relationship last, how to talk to people, how to improve communication, communicate, how to communicate, thank you for telling me, get people to tell you the truth, how to get people to tell you the truth, how to get people to be honest with you, how do i get people to be more honest with me, relationships, relationship, how to have a healthy relationship, how to have healthy relationships, how to have healthier relationships, talk big, talk big not small, how to have real conversations, conversation starters, conversation, conversations Comment
If you have trouble skipping the small talk, this might explain why
If you have trouble skipping the small talk, this might explain why

I recently found myself in two almost identical social situations with one small difference that changed everything about the way the interaction went down.

 

A few months ago, I had some new friends over my house when one of my friends took advantage of a brief silence:

 

“Can I ask you all a weird question?”

 

We all nodded and leaned forward a tiny bit in our chairs.

 

“Is a hamburger a sandwich?”

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Ashley Kirsnerhamburger, sandwich, is a hamburger a sandwich, questions, skip the small talk, skipping the small talk, buy-in, consent, awkward, awkward situations, leadership, good leadership, going deeper, how to go deeper, deep conversations, how to have deep conversations, boundary, boundaries, how to skip the small talk, STST, Skip the Small Talk, how do I skip the small talk, talk big, talk big not small, how to get people to open up, how to get closer to, how to get closer to people, how can I get closer to, hamburgers vs. sandwiches, hamburger vs. sandwich, conversations, how to have better conversations, how to get better at communicating, communication, communicating, how to improve communication, communication problems, having communication problems, how to get people talking, icebreaker, icebreakers, how to be less awkward, socially awkward, healthy relationship, healthy relationships, relationship, relationships, managing relationships, conversation starters, how not to be awkward, social awkwardnessComment