Watch Ashley Kirsner on SideHustle Live!

It’s hard for anyone to be vulnerable, but since I’m someone with a relatively large amount of privilege (for example, if I’m vulnerable and everybody ends up hating me for it, I’ll still be able to pay rent), I find it meaningful to normalize doing things imperfectly, and doing those things publicly and proudly.

So, here I am being totally silly and having the time of my life playing this ridiculous game called SideHustle with its creators. It was silly, it was “messy,” and it was absolutely hilarious.

Why you need self-compassion in your life and how to do it (even when you don’t want to)

At Skip the Small Talks, we ask attendees to have compassion for others and for themselves as they try out new ways to hold conversations. It’s probably obvious why we care about people having compassion for each other at an event where strangers are getting to know each other for the first time, but equally if not more important in that context is self-compassion. That’s because any attempt at change or improvement generally goes much more smoothly if you’re not beating yourself up after every setback. Connecting genuinely often requires taking some risks (like sharing things that feel a little vulnerable), and having compassion for yourself when those risks don’t pan out the way you hope can help you continue taking some risks in the long-term, and can help make the learning process easier for you in the short-term.

BlogAshley KirsnerApril 5, 2018compassion, self-compassion, Skip the Small Talk, blogpost, skip the small talk, hotline, suicide hotline, listening, talking, self-love, vulnerability, genuine, communicating, communication, communication skills, coping skills, coping, distress tolerance, tolerating distress, resilience, psychological well-being, well-being, happiness, mood, happy, friends, friendship, strenghts, positive psychology, positivity, help, criticism, critique, be kind to yourself, worthy, worthiness, you are worthy, self-talk, positive self-talk, mental health, mental wellness, Skip the Small Talks, authentic, conversations, conversation, evolutionary psychology, evolution, negative, negativity bias, negativity, gratitude, asking for help, reaching out for help, reach out for help, reach out, reaching outComment

12 Nayyirah Waheed poems that Skip the Small Talk

We're excited to either introduce you to or remind you about made-famous-by-Instagram-but-actually-because-of-talent-not-just-because-her-stuff-is-on-Instagram poet Nayyirah Waheed. Her books salt. and Nejma are brimming with unpretentious poems that capture human experiences we don't usually talk about in everyday life. So, obviously, she's very much our jam. Here are some of our favorite poems of hers that capture some of the ideas we've discussed in other blogposts or at our events.

BlogAshley KirsnerMarch 13, 2018Nayyirah Waheed, Nayyirah, Waheed, poem, poems, poetry, poet, poets, woman of color, women of color, salt, salt., Nejma, nejma, a pinch of prose for those days, Instagram, Instagram poem, instagram, instagram poetry, Instagram poetry, relationships, what you need to say, split, hurt, vulnerability, vulnerable, pain, rejected, unable, masculine, culture, masculinity, men, strenght, strength from vulnerability, strength out of vulnerability, strength, honesty, yield, breakdown, break down, heal, healing, compassion, judgment, judging, judgmental, mindful, mindfulness, authentic, authenticity, people pleasing, people pleaser, people-pleasing, people-pleaser, self-love, self-care, speak up, speaking up, the freedom in fear, home, name, dam Comment

The normal you wish you were

“It’s hard spending time with people who are the normal you wish you were,” said one of my closest friends. Her husband was struggling with a dependency on alcohol, and he found it painful to hang out with friends who could have a few drinks and call it a night. He would regularly talk himself into thinking he could be “normal” like them and just have a few drinks, but “a few” invariably turned into “too many” for him, and he would end up feeling shame about not being able to control his relationship with alcohol.

How to ask for help

Asking for help is vulnerable; when we solicit support of any kind, we open ourselves up to the possibility of rejection and all the accompanying feelings and self-judgments. So, it’s understandable that many of us feel anxious about it or have a hard time asking others for much beyond passing the mashed potatoes at dinner-- and even that can raise anxiety.

Potato chip connections

Chances are, you’ve had the experience of binging on potato chips or other junk food when what you really wanted was a meal. You’re famished, so instead of taking the time to cook something, you reach for whatever’s quickest, easiest, or most tempting, but you end up feeling like garbage. Connection can work similarly.

Ashley KirsnerAugust 28, 2017connection, connections, skip the small talk, Skip the Small Talk, Skip the Small Talk blog, potato chip, potato chips, potato chip connections, junk food, loneliness, lonely, how do I stop being lonely, how can I stop feeling lonely, learning, hollow, I feel hollow, I feel hollow inside, vulnerability, vulnerable, hungry for connection, Tinder, Facebook, social media, alone together, lonely in a crowd, alone in a crowd, isolated, isolation, social isolation, socially isolated, feeling lonely, feel lonely, I feel lonely, I feel alone, love, validation, learning process, suicide hotline, just want to talk, social interactions, social interaction, connected, feeling connected, how to feel connected, feel connected, rejection, rejected, social media addiction, social media addict, am I a social media addict, am I a social media addict?, wholesome connections, wholesome connection, potato chip connection, numbing, numb, craving connection, how to connect, how to connect with people, blogsComment

Three relationship tips you won’t find in Cosmo

Whether you’re looking for a good fit with a friend, a romantic partner, or even a new workplace, you’ve probably heard tips like “communication is key” and “stick with someone/somewhere that encourages you to grow” and “go with your gut.” Sometimes even those clichés can be useful, but there are some other “tells” about how any given relationship is going that can be easy to miss if you’re not looking for them, especially since they aren’t as culturally emphasized as platitudes like “follow your heart.” Of course, these aren’t going to be the *only* things you should pay attention to, but they can all be easy to overlook, particularly if you are focusing some portion of your energy on appearing desirable to the other person/ workplace/ whatever.

Ashley KirsnerAugust 3, 2017relationship health, romantic relationship, relationships, relationship, relationship advice, romantic relationships, boyfriend, girlfriend, how to keep your girlfriend, how to keep your boyfriend, strong relationships, healthy relationships, how to have a healthy relationships, how to have healthier relationships, how to have healthy relationships, healthy relationship, how to have a healthy relationship, how to make your relationships healthy, how to make your relationship healthy, should I break up with him?, should I break up with her?, should I break up?, should I break up with my girlfriend?, should I break up with my boyfriend?, metaconversation, metaconversations, meta-conversation, meta-conversations, boundary, boundaries, relationship tip, relationship tips, three relationship tips you won't find in Cosmo, Cosmo, Cosmo Magazine, cosmo magazine, cosmopolitan magazine, tips you won't find in cosmo, tips you won't find in cosmo magazine, respecting boundaries, respect boundaries, set boundaries, set boundary, vulnerability, keeping track, better relationships, deep relationships, deeper relationships, emotional labor, stable relationship, stable relationships, should I marry him?, should I marry her?, should we get married?, is he the one?, is she the one?, how do I know?, how will I know?, how do I know if he's the one?, how do I know if she's the one?, talk to him, talk to her, communication, communicating, Skip the Small Talk, skip the small talk advice, advice, love advice, loveComment

When vulnerability backfires

Hey,

So you tried to be vulnerable in some way, whether it was telling someone how you felt, or asking for what you wanted or needed, or sharing about yourself in a way that felt like “too much,” or otherwise extending an invitation to someone to join you in being a little more human together. And for whatever reason, in some way, it didn’t go as well as you’d hoped. And maybe right now, you feel some combination of disappointed, sad, hurt, invalidated, anxious, hopeless, worthless, angry, frustrated, and/or other feelings you didn't sign up for.

Ashley KirsnerJuly 13, 2017vulnerability, for when vulnerability kicks your ass, vulnerable, pain, emotions, feelings, Skip the Small Talk, letter, letter for when vulnerability sucks, vulnerability sucks, rejection, rejected, feeling awful, feel awful, sad, disappointed, hurt, invalidated, anxiety, hopelessness, hopeless, feeling anxious, feeling hopeless, feeling worthless, feeling angry, feeling frustrated, feeling rejected, feeling sad, comfort, comforting, suicide hotline, emotional support, crisis, suicide, imperfect, imperfections, imperfection, embrace imperfection, embracing imperfection, i'm sad, i'm feeling sad, i was rejected, feel sad, i feel sad, i feel rejected, I feel like a burden, how can i comfort, how to comfort, how to deal with rejection, how to cope with rejection, how to rejection, love, worthiness, worthy, vulnerability hangover, trying again, try again, begin again, frustrated, frustration, I'm hopeless, I feel hopeless, I'm worthless, I feel worthless, I feel sad, I'm sad, I'm disappointed, I feel disappointed, I'm hurt, I'm invalidated, I'm anxious, I feel invalidated, invalidating, I'm frustrated, I'm frustrated with, I feel like shit, I feel shitty, I feel awful, feeling shitty, I'm feeling shitty, feel like shit Comment

The Vulnerability Paradox

Have you ever felt comfortable telling something intimate to your hair stylist or bartender or ride-share driver, and then finding yourself feeling warm toward them, and perhaps inclined to tip more? Have you ever developed strong feelings for someone you were dating in a low-stakes context, like someone you knew you didn’t want to be with long-term? Then you are likely familiar with what I’ve deemed “the vulnerability paradox.” According to the vulnerability paradox, a pattern I’ve noticed in myself and others, it’s often easier to open up to those we are not relatively close to, yet, the very act of opening up brings us closer.

Ashley KirsnerApril 26, 2017vulnerability, paradox, vulnerability paradox, how to skip the small talk, skip the small talk, strangers on a train, strangers on a plane, strangers on a train effect, strangers on a plane effect, vulnerable, relationships, relationship advice, casual relationships, romantic relationships, romance, how to get close, how to get close to someone, how to get closer, how to get closer to someone, how to get closer to people, how to get close to people, how to get to know people, how to get to know someone, fear, how to keep your relationship, how to keep your relationships, how to maintain your relationship, how to maintain your relationships, relationship health, healthy relationships, communication, risk, risky, riskiness, relationship risks, healthy relationship, how to have a healthy relationship, how to get people to open up, skipping the small talk, STST, relationship, managing relationships, how to have a happy relationship, how to make friend, how to make friends, how do I meet people, talk big, talk big not small Comment

A Better "How are you?"

Cultural niceties can make it challenging to answer “How are you?” honestly if you are feeling much more than, “Fine, thanks. How about you?” If you change up the phrasing of your question even slightly, though, it can often be enough to disrupt the automatic process that leads to uninformative and uninteresting answers. Here are some options for making it easier on others to answer you honestly, even if they’re not feeling “fine.”

Ashley KirsnerApril 17, 2017how are you, connection, connecting, getting to know people, getting to know you, habit, habits, what's new, what's new?, how are you?, what's been on your mind, what's been on your mind?, how have you been feeling, feeling, how's life, how's your life, how is your life, what's exciting in your life?, what's exciting in your life, real answer, real answer to "how are you", negative emotions, modeling, model, authentic, authenticity, genuine, genuineness, open, openness, getting people to open up, vulnerable, vulnerability, frustration, emotion, emotions, what's up, sup, fine, fine thanks, lately, these days, not much, connect, STST, how to skip the small talk, skip the small talk, healthy relationship, how to have a healthy relationship, healthy relationships, relationship, relationships, managing relationships, talk big, talk big not small Comment

The four words that change the way people talk to you

Imagine you’re hanging out with a friend.

You’ve been chatting for a bit, and they reveal something more vulnerable about themselves than they usually discuss with you. Maybe it’s admitting that they feel lonely at work, or maybe it’s talking about their history with depression. Whatever it is, it’s a level or two deeper than your usual conversations.

How do you respond?

Ashley KirsnerMarch 7, 2017communication, feedback, honesty, honest, get people to be more honest, get people to tell the truth, get people to open up, getting people to open up, vulnerable, vulnerability, gratitude, open, openness, active listening, thanks for telling me, thanks for sharing, thank you for sharing, s, skip the small talk, skipping the small talk, psychology, Skip the Small Talk, STST, how to skip the small talk, how to get people to open up, how to get people to open up to you, how to make friends, how to meet new people, healthy relationships, healthy relationship, how to make my relationship last, how to talk to people, how to improve communication, communicate, how to communicate, thank you for telling me, get people to tell you the truth, how to get people to tell you the truth, how to get people to be honest with you, how do i get people to be more honest with me, relationships, relationship, how to have a healthy relationship, how to have healthy relationships, how to have healthier relationships, talk big, talk big not small, how to have real conversations, conversation starters, conversation, conversations Comment

TIPS, STORIES, AND insPiration